My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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