Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach.
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.
actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
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