Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.
I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.
Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.
Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.
When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours.
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