Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
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