If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
I lost a button hole.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
I had amnesia once or twice.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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